Rock-solid sensitivity

Isn’t it remarkable how we can feel lost and disconnected, conflicted, and depressed, and then, sometimes and even suddenly, find our way back home in this world we all birth into awareness anyhow. So many years have passed since I, like I had experienced off and on from a young age, felt that daunting existential uprooting. Senselessness. If I could only replace my former, now bleeding passions with fresh ones, I thought, this would safe my searching, if existing soul. The task was not transactional though, and my repeated bodily ‘no’ to many internal and external creative suggestions kept pressing me to dig deeper.

And you know, when you dig deeper, there are all these emotional and existential layers to dislodge. In the background of one's complex psyche there is no running away from the unmet mommy and daddy issues, the cultural blind spots, devastating realities of this life and world, and, eventually, utter and disorienting uncertainty. Digging deeper was a way to consciously process an “emptying out”, solid, sometimes unwelcomed emotional work to have a felt sense of the spaciousness that surrounds us and, by inhaling it, expands our hearts also. Fully leaning into the interdependency of my life, lived through in the arms of a loving other, has changed my self-perception.

At some point, something inside of me also loosened the gratifying identification with emotional work. Now this is scary. Here, the question “Who am I?” has no answer but a pure, silent but all-encompassing sense of being. The ‘I’ that I knew to be did not give up easily and started to create new layers, new complications to fill up the excitable threat of emptiness. Identification with ‘doing’ and suffering goes a long way when it is entangled in an egoic, once needed grasping for safety.

But I experienced and acknowledged what love is, actually. A going beyond needs and deeds. Rock-solid sensitivity sipping through everything. Vulnerable without a doubt. Shaky, not broken.

I am sure this year will come with new layers and unpredictable kinds of unlayering. But this is not a house for all too complicated stories anymore, or so I intuit now. The sadness that for so long got stuck in my stomach and couldn’t find the way out of my toughened body other than wrapping it in longer and lengthier concepts, has found a welcoming, softening stream. How funny, I found the keys to the open door of my heart. Wordless, but intensely expressive, nonetheless.

Welcome to the awakened inner child spreading the vibrations of curiosity and renewal against the conditioned odds. I feel playfully senseless in this exploration.