Surrendering to contol

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

Haruki Murakami

2023 has been an emotionally loaden year. The last two months emotionally characterized by the release of anger, frustration, even agony. It now feels as if remaining residues anxiety evaporated by expressing instead of suppressing what someday felt as insurmountable emotional depression. However steadfast anxiety was part of my daily experience, it is increasingly diminishing from my inner landscape. At times, the chronic zoom of anxiety I know so well seems so far away that trying to remember that particular emotional ‘organization’ and quality is like trying on a totally different mindset, dimension, paradigm even.

A thought pops up: is this a sign of developmental regression? The resting of inner conflicts. Should I experience more ‘developmental tension,’ as Dabrowski referred to in its theory. Ah, I think, this is a glimpse into that world again: the thought patterns dictating that I should be different. Of course, the inner tension to develop in and of itself is livening and spontaneous. Exploration and expansion, curiosity, and sensitivity; surely they imply a continuous adaption to a world complex enough to study long after afterlife . Then again, when that developmental instinct is intertwined with survival modus, an ongoing sense that something is wrong and needs my immediate attention or otherwise I will ‘fall apart,’ then some of its intensity does not express itself in any developmentally healthy way. Or, at least, it comes with a profound energetic cost.

I eagerly wanted to go to school, anticipating to learn a lot, explore and quench the cognitive thirst I sensed. Disillusion got a hold on me when I noticed that we were supposed to play rather than focus on content that intrigued me. More specifically, I did not enjoy playing with others, I found it quite disorienting and my way of coping with this was to create games that others could follow. Me being the one dictating the rules and not needing to stand in the middle of the group felt comforting and also gave me the opportunity to try out different social set ups to find out how this being human-together works. Perhaps it was received and perceived as a sign of strength and leadership quality and surely, this was also the case. What was less visible though, that underneath these strengths lay a vulnerability I could not give words to. Being on the playground with a lot of kids running around and oftentimes screaming was a sensorial overload. Then there were the rules of the games that I did not enjoy, particular when it included physical contact. Then again, I had these outbursts of energy during lessons, finding it difficult to stay quiet for a long time and being reprimanded a lot for talking too much, so I learned to silence myself and lost connection with whatever was asked to do, because I experienced an inner disharmony of stimuli. Furthermore, teachers, to me at least, seem to say one thing and then do another thing. I sensed emotional changes in their voices and my attention was drawn to this information. Couple that with not having an ‘obvious’ embodiment and understanding of authority; distrust is the outcome of that mix.

I just really wanted to reorder the ‘outside’ world in a way that was much more soothing to my inner experience. Here comes the leader, trying to adjust the world to my needs. And here rigid behavioral was born that I tried to hide. Creating and recreating times schedules to order my world. Writing down what I would do every 15 minutes. Memorizing information instead of learning the system.

This has been a long trajectory, trying to adjust. And when my world became more complex, entering high school, experiencing the hormonal upheavals, and increasing social dynamics, under while going through the impact of a dysfunctional family life…. anxiety peaked. How could I reorder a world that appeared to be so chaotic? I found structure in eating disorders, retreating in my inner world, writing, listening to music over and over again, and identifying myself intensely with subcultures, almost believing I was somebody else, fleeing into fantasy as a way to quiet the overwhelming incomprehensibility of the ‘real’ world. I tried out many different social identities, could not sense that I was part of one particular group. In the meantime, intense passions developed, finding myself hyper focusing on topics and puzzled by the fact why others did not seem to so intensely involved. I did know, luckily, that I could connect in one particular way with friends. By listening and giving advice. A little psychologist, also born out of a lifelong study of people and their focus on social dynamics. Seeing I sensed the world intensely from the inside out, I could give other insight into that inner dimension while slowly building up a sense of the social system on the basis of those individual inner building blocks. Often I felt like an outcast. And the more independency was asked to cope with life(‘s choices), the more stress I started to feel, because I did not know how to answer the question “what do you want” without considering the intense effort I always felt to adjust. It was as if I was broken. One part highly “successful,” the other part disconnected, alienated, and struggling with a continuous overload of scattering intensities. Trying out many different means to cope, true self-care became of second importance. Addiction was luring. Just sitting through a lesson at university was so taxing that I secretly self-medicated in the toilet rooms just to participate and withstand the anxiety and confusion resulting from a different wiring.

There so much more to write and share about this. I guess it is part of a healing process, or even more ‘accepting process’, that these conflicts have been part of my life and should not be framed solely under the name ‘developmental tension,’ even if they are rooted in developmental challenges. The neurodivergent basis is becoming much clear to me, and this is of immense help in allowing myself the concrete actions and structuring of life that suits me. I can mourn all the future possibilities that will not happen, because I simply don’t fit the requirements for working in certain environments. I will not thrive in particular circumstances. And I can share with my friends what is really going on inside of me, how it is to be me, actually, and what I need.

This raise of awareness was made possible by the processing of anger. A lifelong struggle with adjustment has been tiring and some part in me has always been angry. I directed this frustration onto myself, and last year, finally, I could release it externally. A gateway to connection and self-acceptance. A storm. And then there was the silence, afterwards. The release of inner conflicts that should not, yes ‘should’:), solely be my personal task. However strong I am, I need help. Ha, what a joy I can finally express this simple yet profound fact!

Illustration: In the image you see my reaction on a surprise party that my partner organized many years ago. It was an extremely sweet action on his side. And I loved all my friends for being there for me. But it was also overwhelming, and I could not enjoy it very much (which is hard to say, as if I need to feel guilty). However socially enthusiastic I can be, a surprise party contains a lot of…. surprising elements! I could not prepare. The fact that I closed my eyes, as you see in the photo, is, to me, a direct expression of the uncomfortable experience. “This is too much; I can’t oversee this.” Funny fact, during the party I repeatedly focused on whether there was enough food and on cleaning the room. Yet another behavior to smooth the internal chaos. Control. It is a word that I find annoying, but it is also something that I deeply appreciate and understand.

Surrendering to control, that’s my process right now.