The no-things that matter
We were brushing our teeth and doing our habitual dance in the meantime, creating a fresh moment of shared childlike fun just before we entered the private space of our dreams. After this playful in-between time, I was staring briefly into the mirror of our bathroom. My mind equivalent to a silent observer, my face muscles tender, my eyes both foreign and mine, if you will. I saw myself and my partner, time stood still, any sense of separation melted. Unity consciousness. Instead of striving to under stripe unity by frequent rephrasing of shared meaning giving processes, I simply saw myself in the reflection of my partners face. Self-recognition annihilated any sense of a limited self. No striving whatsoever occurred. So simple and elegant, inner and outer resolved into being. The moment we were one, we were also no-thing. Any sense of separation felt illusionary afterwards, recurring glimpses of that sudden unity swiftly softened my attention into a good night sleep full of surrender.
I woke up this morning and felt empty inside. No tiredness, no disconnection. An ongoing stream of energy that didn’t contract somewhere in my body. My felt sense was unusually impersonally calm. The voices inside my head weren’t mine, just a small fraction of all available energy.
It’s kind of funny that I am reflecting on these experiences. I tried it several times during the day and I lacked the words. The process is still going strong, what is there to say? Well, it serves gratefulness to look back on the no-things that matter.
The most beautiful moments of this day, cherished by the tears slowly rolling over my face, was when my daughter lay her head on my shoulder and slept for half an hour while I was slowly dancing on a collection of soulful, healing songs. While she was sleeping, I was mourning the state of our world today and the existential uncertainty of many generations that came before us. The songs tapped into the experience of individual and collective suffering. Suffering that runs through my vessels but is easily circumvented by everyday chores. Surrendering her body in my arms, quietly asking me to keep on dancing when I briefly got distracted, her presence and the calmness of the day rendered every moment the perfect moment to connect with the deeper process of strength affirming grief. While I took a photo, I jokingly imagined a future full of unrecorded immersion. Seriously, her vitality is a heart awakening.