Theorizing developmentally

"I came to theory because I was hurting- the pain within me was so intense that I could not go on living. I came to theory desperate, wanting to comprehend-to grasp what was happening around and within me. Most importantly, I wanted to make the hurt go away. I saw in theory then a location for healing.”

And so, Bell Hooks starts off chapter 5, 'Theory as a liberatory practice', part of her book “Teaching to Transgress”. In many of her writings, and this one particular, I find clear words that have a profound mirroring effect on me. Silent inner streams of consciousness find their articulation on paper even if, clearly, I come to her work from a different perspective and context.

I also came to the theory of positive disintegration because I was hurting. In my private life, and in the social system surrounding the family circle, I could not find any emotional guidance. And I was in deep need, highly conflicted, struggling with eating disorders and, little did I know, with new addictions just around on the corner. But the system had only reflected that there was something wrong with me, and ofcourse that did not sooth the pain. There must have been some disorder, a 'clarification' lacking any reference to context, development, or individual power. I was angry. Frustrated and disillusioned, again. Those with authority deemed it right to reduce my world to a diagnosis instead of expanding it through deep connection, respect, warmth, and freeing education.

Something in me always thought there had to be more, that a little place full of love tucked far away in my gut could be mirrored by others, their actions and my growth. I knew disintegration. In such a shattering existential process I had discovered some enduring quality of love, even if I did not have the wisdom nor experience to create a practice out of this insight.

Then someone referred me to Dabrowski’s work. I found an understanding of my effort to make sense out of life. It echoed my efforst to try to intervene in ways that might have been beneficial to my wellbeing and holistic growth beyond what was considered normal.

His was a view that challenged the status quo, at least in the regular mental health system in which, I thought and experienced, the emphasis lay on dis-ease instead of development. I felt empowered. Impowered. Here was also someone talking about sensitivity as central to emotional development. A sense of belonging filled my stomach, passion felt much more rooted, inner conflicts understood on many levels, and a form of social activism, or the image of contributing to society in a deeply committed way focused on emotional liberation, was born.

Hooks again:

“I found a place of sanctuary in "theorizing," in making sense out of what was happening. I found a place where I could imagine possible futures, a place where life could be lived differently. This "lived" experience of critical thinking, of reflection and analysis, became a place where I worked at explaining the hurt and making it go away. Fundamentally, I learned from this experience that theory could be a healing place.”

Theory as a healing place. Dabrowski might have agreed. I remember him somewhere referring to the idea (I use my own wording here) that if someone recognizes themselves in his theory, he or she could re-read it and reflect upon points of recognition or development, and this may bring about developmental insight and perspective. Sounds quite liberatory.

Funny enough, throughout the years, theorizing itself got disintegrated - and newly integrated - by a thirst for (new) practices and a fully lived experience of reality. I will share more about this process in my contribution to the International Dabrowski Congress 2024. Still theorizing (about) it !