To feel - a lot
The pressing question was running circles, shaping a lower quality of mind: what can I possibly dó with this potential to feel – a lot?
As I approached puberty, my inner doubts about sensitivity's outer manifestation also grew. Looking back, I know the intensification of inner doubts is rooted in personal, social, phsyical and cultural conditionings that surpass the power of a child to feel worthy as such and at the same time convincingly competent in the external world, in the frightening, powerful and conditioned eyes of others.
The picture is nuanced, besides feeling worried and confused about my role in society – something that I, fueled by intensity, claimed must be a calling – I also noticed some of the clear qualities that came with that same potential to feel a lot. Leadership talent, a source of bursting creativity, deep connections, a strong intuition, to name a phew. But identifying these potentialities as an answer to my question – what can I do? – demanded that I synchronized the complete answer with clearcut intrinsic motivation. That same feeling-potential would not accept any other motivational quality. I must forge my own path, like Katja writes (in the attached blogpost). But to do so, I must trust. And trusting myself and others has been quite challenging at times.
Luckily, I did experience the opportunities, momentum, and spirit to go through a process of meaningful societal contribution and accompanying acknowledgement. A sense of belonging and creative expression of deep value to the wellbeing of others have nourished self-esteem. In this process, I did trust the unknown, something that was easier 'to do' back then.
These months, I am settling into a more instrinsically felt and resilient appreciation of feeling-me. A quality of experience that goes beyond the question of 'doing' and feels intimately and socially trustworthy.
Thanks to a great mentor, many mirroring friends, and thanks to caring and appreciative colleagues in the gifted field, I rest my case:
What can I possibly dó with this intensified and sensitive potential to FEEL? Well, a lot! Just being(-with-it) is sourcing new creative output.
Embodied in amazing senses, aware of an intriguing openness ‘underneath’ conditioning, breathing life into the connection that I am, trusting how the environment receptively flows through me, mirroring its subtle qualities and letting go, wherever possible, of self-preserving projections.
The theory of positively disintegrating is becoming more heartfelt, rooted in my stomach area with my body as the carrier of delicate dynamisms, broadening the scope, healing and artistic impact of sensitivity. It's a darkish night of the soul for sure, and I, once I feel into it, would not want it otherwise.