Yes to the No

"Actually…do you have a ‘no’….?"

A little shockwave through my darkest feelings. Our guide made a point here.

“Ah, yes... That is expressive.” Hearing myself say these words was empowering. Embarrassment slowly made place for clear self-insight.

Years ago, my embodied power got stuck after being literally unable to communicate my ‘no' in a very intimate setting. From a psychodynamic, even spiritual standpoint this was an accumulation of brief yet sharp moments of dismissal of the energy – anger - behind my ‘no’ by those socially nearby. Years of chronic neglect would lead to a moment of utter boundary transgression. Lack of support led to an emotional blind spot, a taming of (my) life’s energy.

Now, standing there, open to deeper existential development, it was inevitable that I would have re-encountered the reality, power, and aliveness of my NO during a practice of consent.

A minute or so after our guide shared that crystal clear mirror, I made a silent joke, having a synchronizing laugh with all my inner parts. Of course, the honest answer to the guide’s question would have been ‘no!’ Noooooooooo……until it turned out to be a firm yes!

Right then and there, acknowledging my pain and the suppression of feelings with integrative laughter and unfiltered tears, as part of an existential process unfolding for a while, I felt the firmness of my own body, the legitimacy of its own needs, the erotic power it yields.

Spontaneously, since then, I have been feeling the desire to sing. Sing from the depths in which my NO laid buried, the birthplace of my life’s yes.

“[When] we begin to live from within outward, in touch with the power of the erotic within ourselves, and allowing that power to inform and illuminate our actions upon the world around us, then we begin to be responsible to ourselves in the deepest sense.”

Thank you, Audre Lorde.