Let her lead
What a breath smoothing interaction it was. The streaming sensitive responses of a good friend invited me to graciously offer tender embraces to respond to his evenly distributed need for care, however invisible at times.
A while ago, his attuned responses showed me that it is really possible for every – every- of my physical boundaries to be acknowledged. During a kind conversation about intimacy, he determinedly stated my autonomy and freedom to always say no and to be taken 100 percent seriously. There was a perfect harmony between his softly yet resolutely spoken words and the gentle humming I sensed from his upper body slowly swaying from left to right while addressing his values. This is how protection without any pressure or demand feels like, my inner child learned eagerly. Finally, those parts of me that still and shameful believed it was necessary to hold on to (the also internalized) distrust and the nonverbal, pressive memories of an assault, could loosen.
Maybe even for the first time in my life, my bodily integrity felt like an undeniable central reference point for every form of intimacy. The context of deep connection outside of any predetermined exchange or role made it all the more meaningful. His words were expressed in such a harmonious, direct, autonomous, and principled way, that I gave up the struggle to be alert, to notice any sign potentially saying I should be on the lookout for transgression of physical boundaries. This is what it feels like to be aware, not alert. My ‘no’ felt honored through his words, my skin felt mine, and my heartbeat not a threat but my body’s pounding bond with me. Also, as it turned out, this was the moment in which I was also ready to receive such a humane gift of tender love and acknowledgement of my integrity. An emotional – not per se intellectual - awakening to the truth of my openness, and how it has been damaged in the past, and how it is still, without a doubt, the heart of my heart.
Compassionately, I look back on learned behavior and the fear that accompanied physical closeness. I was shaken, not broken. In need for help and subtly yet ongoingly lost in the continuation of traumas we get caught in, generation after generation. Luckily, this can change.
Some weeks later, I felt totally safe to trust the openness of my body in interaction with this same friend.
While sharing reflections on emotional needs, I simply uttered the words – motions - my body was communicating. There was no script going on, thoughts ran slow, and mental images weren’t influenced by damaging situations from the past. Emotional, sensual, and psychomotor excitability could coordinate a dance of touchable closeness, fully and finely attuned to what his evenly vulnerable body needed. Just a hug. No strings attached.
Again, trusting the feedback of my body was such a strengthening experience, precisely because the setting was intimate. I deeply appreciate the power of words, and now the process is to integrate the full potential of emotional depth in those words by letting my body do as much nonverbal talking. It hasn’t been an easy journey, violence left its traces in tendencies that I know how to hide, but it’s out in the open now. I feel my body’s integrity much more vividly thanks to these kinds of interactions with loving friends, however supportive therapy has been in the past.
The bodily wisdom can be recognized, amongst others, in how touch can be a surrendering, tendering invitation to embrace every single sensation of being alive. To celebrate pure signs of life's energy. And our human form on this planet, a complex and embodied dynamic of different needs and the central role connection plays in all of this.
My body’s openness has been abused, I did not wholly learn to honor her presence, but her tender wisdom is on the rise. The word grateful doesn’t match the deep tissue relaxation this brings. It’s love. A love for my own integrity, for sentient life, and my power to stand for this truth. A testimony to the power of community.