The inner opposite of boredom
I remember a time, many years ago, when I would boldly claim:
“Bored? I am never bored. How can one be bored? Life is so full of …. aliveness!”
Even though the school curriculum wasn’t that engaging, I was always observing, observing, and absorbing my social and emotional environment and the creative possibilities of assignments, particularly the 'open' ones. I think I was eager to find those mini rebel like moments in which to anchor my authenticity, to celebrate the exception rather than solely the rule.
Then again, not long after the above statements, I did not know anymore how to reclaim this eager aliveness. An aliveness that is perhaps better described as an awareness.
Somehow, along the way, I internalized the idea that this observing was too much offbeat, that I was being a bad girl by feeling and acting a little rebellious. I rejected the vitality inherent to these tendencies and tried to steer my attention towards the socialized norm or the (in my eyes) rigid manner with which topics were approached in our school context.
Contemplating, I think the development of strong inhibitions is also rooted in the little shocks that the continuous inner sensitivity and openness towards ‘other’ creative routines would bring. As I tapped into this sensitivity and stayed present with it, I became increasingly aware of all the differences in and around me, life became less and less predictable in that sense. Maybe, it’s a hypothesis, I was afraid of the intensity this sensitivity seemed to imply. Something that feels true, also due to the rising emotional unsafety in my home environment back then.
In any case, boredom became a safe haven. That is to say, a very frustrating one. Every time others would mention that they were getting bored, ambivalence took root in my emotional landscape. On the one hand, I wanted to sigh dramatically and affirm the other person’s experience. Oh yes…same here! On the other hand, the whole idea of boredom irritated me. Negative aggression flowed through my blood vessels. This was a shadow of the deeper awareness that in the old days used to fill my experience with more than enough stimuli. And as it goes with shadows, they often remain unseen for what they really are, the needs – and developmental potential – they represent, enclose even.
It took years of ambivalence with respect to boredom to finally express mine in an unfiltered manner during a training. Giving voice to this experience reopened my senses. Not only did I learn that it I have the autonomy to challenge myself and see where my zone of interest lies, the extravert expression ‘I am feeling bored!’ also mirrored me that ‘boredom’ may mean I am shrinking my awareness to a level that is out of tune with my desire to grow. The latter may happen when I feel a bit afraid to follow-up on impulses, and this can be the case in relatively unknown social settings or in situations which unconsciously remind me of dissociated feelings.
The opposite of boredom is perhaps awareness. In this light, it is also insightful to consider that this awareness includes conflict. It means that I need to let go of expectations and wrestle a bit (or a lot) with uncertainty, an experiential space filled with fresh emotional try-outs instead of patented social roles.
For me, in social settings, it means (amongst others) that I grow into a person open towards learning from another teacher (something I sort of dismissed because of intense boredom as an adolescent), that I learn to raise instead of diminish the sensitivity of my awareness, that I let go of the quarrels of my mind and start to open my senses, to participate fully in a co-creative growth process.
Slowly but surely, I am recognizing that little girl in me that never seemed to be apathetic. Fear subsides, masks undress, the girl has grown up and feels thankful for the fact that many developmental years have actually contributed instead of diminished her sensitivity.
Boredom?
The inner opposite is a playful openness to experience.
Ha! Now I rebelliously wonder, could I be - play - extra-ordinary indifferent…? 😉