In service of your sensitivity

How to use your intelligence?

In service of your sensitivity. Of the world’s sensitivity.

You may want to be clever and try to safeguard your vulnerability. It will give you a few moments of brief satisfaction, but it will ultimately leave you feeling lonely, burdened and discontent.

At least, this is my experience.

I remember struggling with eating disorders. A period in which my intelligence was partially used to manipulate myself and my social environment. All for the glory of eating less and less. Or, emotionally speaking, to remain in rigid control of my own needs – the same needs that were neglected frequently by those nearby.

I wouldn’t say that I failed to experience control. I did feel in control and the rush of it kept me going.

Nonetheless, my life lacked the juicy substance of manifest love. Of intimacy.

For the sake of imagined safety, I learned to put on a mask, losing sight of my inner core, which not only screamed for food but also was in dire need of subtle touch. Truthful expression, peaceful self-love.

Now, I am growing rather than learning.

Growing into intimacy. It’s tough to see when and how my intelligence wants to put on a façade again. Particularly in those moments when I act very sweet but feel very angered, when I act flexible but feel worn out, when I act fulfilled but feel frustrated.

To use my intelligence in service of my sensitivity. Of other species’ sensitivity.... What does this entail?

It includes non-doing, non-acting. Silence speaks spaces. It comes with conscious fear and embodied courage. It allows life to spontaneously break through my movements, my words, my soothing breath. It’s a home to intimacy. With myself and the other. A place where I grow into relating, those vivid dimensions where we meet each other as life-giving loved ones. It is okay to quiver.

Let intelligence be a safe haven for our sensitivity to speak up.